Hi Yasser,
I am Maha from IELTSCOMMUNITY 19. I read your essay and tried to understand your points and felt that you did not put your spirit in this essay, allow me to say that you were very passive and you did not give clearly your opinion.
As per Tony's advice and since worked with me when I did my IELTS test (I got Band 7 for writing), I think you should always weigh the positive and the negative sides of every subject and favour something, and show it to the one who reads your essay.
From the introduction till the end, you were talking about the scientists and research but did not say by experience for instance in your country if they set rules against working children or that is something very common. I would say that every country should set clear rules against working children, they should ban this bad habits and they should monitor companies, mills and working fields to ensure that there are no children under the age of 15 years working without getting proper schooling and have good environment to grow and ensure good future.
I may try and write this essay myself and publish it enabling yourself, Tony everybody else to discuss further this important subject.
Hope i wrote something helpful.
Regards,
Maha Hanna
2 comments:
Hello Maha
Thanks for your post on Yasser's essay. Maybe you have noticed that I have re-written it and made a stronger conclusion.
It is super to hear from the IELTS veterans and that you endorse my approach to task 2 essay writing.
Please feel free to comment and edit as much as you care to.
Regards
Tony
Thanks Maha for your comment,
Really i am happy to benefit from you, i know the best way to improve my skills my writing by writing ,but my problems i am writing what i am thinking about without restate or use ellequence or difficult vacubalary , but I will try next time to determain clear idea and strong posision of my openion or what i believe about it
Yasser
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